Week 302: Unstated Truths  


A man.

A woman.

A Webhead.

A pro athlete.

A poet.

A PR person.

A telemarketer.

An 8-year-old child.

This Week's Contest: Come up with lines that you'll never hear the above people say. Choose one or more. (Example: Something you'll never hear a PR man say: "Steve, for a client, you've got some fabulous ideas. So what do you need us for?") First-prize winner gets a genuine goose-skin bottle donated to the Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a copy of the Washington-Baltimore Dog Lover's Companion, a new book that is basically a travel guide for dogs. 

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 302, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 3. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report From Week 299, in which you were asked to come up with supermarket tabloid headlines using only the left side of the computer keyboard.

A few people wrote magnificent, inventive headlines that were, alas, too sedate for the tabs. Our favorite, by Joann Gottlieb of Arlington: "63% Agree Starr Exaggerated Case."

Sixth Runner-Up:

Bereaved Eats Cadaver! (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

Fifth Runner-Up:

FDA Data Asserts Casaba Breasted Babes Better Wear Bras

(William M. Powell, Arlington)

Fourth Runner-Up:

Ta Ta Testes! Ex Castrates Deadbeat Dad (David Genser, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up:

Reefer Rage Grabs W Va! Geezers Afeared! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Second Runner-Up:

Savages Eat Stewed Weewees as Dessert! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

First Runner-Up:

Brett Favre Weds Bart Starr After 16 Beers! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

And the winner of the "Man Eating Bugs" book:

Wet Areas Are Grease
Dress Wearer Attests!
Wet Areas Are Seed
Swears Dress Tester! (Eric Lenning, Reston)

Honorable Mentions!

Cat Feces Stew Draws Raves at Catered Feast!

(Brad Kelly, Bethesda)

Starr Bares 666!

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Fattest Serb Ever Eats Greater Zagreb!

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Dead Versace Weds!

(Eric Lenning, Reston)

Feds See Ceegar Sex as Fad!

(Ian G. Mitchell, Manassas)

Vast Stewardess

Eats Dessert Cart!

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Texas Raw Bar VD Scare!

Great Babes! Bad Crabs!

(Tipper McFarren, Bethesda)

GB Barfs at Far East State Feast!

(Don Juran, Rockville)

Serrated Bra Severs Breast!

(Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Excess Beer Affects Erect State!

(Don Juran, Rockville)

Starr Wears Sex Dress at Staff Retreat!

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse; Brad Kelly, Bethesda)

Extra! Fed Edgar Wears Taffeta Dresses!

(Michael J. Hammer, Arlington)

Vader Sex Saber Awes Star Wars Cast!

(Eric Lenning, Reston)

Sax Rat Addresses Greatest Sex Feats!

(Jim Swickard, Uniontown, Ohio)

Zsa Zsa Dead at 112!

(Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

Eat Ersatz Fat!
Defecate Drawers!

(Don Juran, Rockville)

Starr Regarded as Gasbag!

(Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

And Last:

Czar Test a Sad Retread!

(Brad Kelly, Bethesda)

Next Week: A Brand New Contest